I have been the chubby, sweet, friendly, polite, smart girl with a heart of gold, all my life and who knows maybe I’ll always be that way, but not the chubby. All my life I’ve had to fight to control my weight, hating myself all the time and I shouldn’t because I’m lucky to be alive and I’m lucky to have a loving family and awesome friends, but of course my friends are almost nothing like me. Which only causes me to compare myself to everyone around me, which if I could give you any advice at all its NOT to compare yourself to anyone because your special the way you are (which makes me sound hypocritical, but I know the feeling). Growing up a certain way, having red hair, freckles, being short or really tall it teaches you how to act. Every learns differently, some people fight to protect themselves, others don’t let any one too close to hurt them in the first place. When I was younger I used to be this awesome person that others would look up to, which sounds extremely weird I was 7 or 8 years old. I remember people explaining how they couldn’t stand up for themselves the way I did when someone called me a name. Thinking about it now I wonder what happened? Why did I change? , I guess I couldn’t help it, I’m not sure but maybe I just got tired of having to defend myself all the time. Of course I got made fun of, I mean who hasn’t? After awhile of it though it gets old. I guess I just got tired of crying in front of people got tired of even saying anything at all so when Middle school started and then all through high school everything changed. I became this shy and quiet girl, I stayed nice but when someone bullied me or called me a name I didn’t like, I just brushed it off and kept everything inside. Which of course isn’t healthy because eventually something’s bound to make you snap and every feeling and every tear you wanted to shed before will come rushing out in a billion ways, but again I need to stop. Hopefully this blog (if you can even call this a blog) can help me get everything out. I doubt anyone would read this anyway, but this is therapeutic, its kind of helping already.
Moving On…! The reason i actually wanted to type something today was because besides explaining to the entire web that I’m chubby and was picked on (Boo Hoo!) Today is the semi-beginning of a change. “Semi” because it started about two three months ago i think, and I’ve already lost 35 lbs, I’m still heavy , but when someone you haven’t seen in awhile sees you and tells you how great you look you can’t help but feel AWESOME. I don’t get complimented a lot and I’m not whining, but it feels great, probably (most likely) one of the best feelings someone can ever have. Maybe I’m setting my goal to high, but the weight I’d like to be at, my dream weight would be 120 lbs. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be content with 130 or 135 lbs I just dream to be 120 and if I try hard enough and ban all negative thoughts from my mind I think I can do it. It’s my life and I have 100 years to live it the way I want to, if I’m lucky I can have more. I’m doing this for me, so I can look into that mirror and love how I look.